An Open Letter To Someone I Care About

I remember 4 years ago, when we first met. You intimidated me a bit, which is hilarious looking back. We became fast friends and I loved to spend time with you. You were like a big sister to me in some ways. We shared some crazy, crazy nights of laughing until we cried. We talked about life and love and God. I was naive but you didn’t mind. You told me you wished you were too. Looking back, I wish the same for you. I respected you because you seemed to be moving forward despite many hurdles. You had big dreams and I believed in you.

I remember when things started to change. We were as tight as ever and then all of the sudden something happened. I knew what was going on, but I didn’t think it would affect you that much. I thought you were smarter than that. I was wrong, I guess. I remember the one day--the one specific conversation--that caused the shift. It seemed like nothing at the time but it was that conversation, casual as it was, that started your downhill decline. As the weeks went by, I could tell something wasn’t right but you wouldn’t listen, not to anyone.

I remember when you started keeping secrets from me. I cared so much and wanted to know what was wrong so I could help you, but you didn’t want my help. Were you ashamed? I remember the weeks where we barely talked. You were a mess but tried to put on a brave face. I saw right through it. You assured me that you were fine, but I knew you weren’t. Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?

I remember the conversation that changed everything. You conveniently told me at the one time and place where I shouldn’t cry, but I did. So did you. We cried together and I hurt for you. I had hoped better for you. At least you came clean. I talked to you and thought I got through to you. I saw you were hurt and needed someone and I was there for you. I cried with you, talked with you and prayed with you for hours. I hurt with you and for you. It broke my heart to hear what had happened. I thought you genuinely wanted to move forward. The ensuing weeks proved me wrong.

I tried to put your pieces back together, but all you did was take them apart again. Slowly you lost everyone with your bad decisions. Has it been a long and lonely road? I’ve stuck my hand out to you but you rarely grab it. I still care about you and it hurts me deeply to see you ruin yourself. Its not worth it! All you are doing is digging a deeper hole. Its never to late for escape, but the further you go, the more painful it will be to escape. I’m sad to say that I’ll probably be the only friend you have left when that day comes.

I say ‘when’ because I know that day will eventually come. I still believe in you. You have far to many hopes and dreams to keep wasting away like you are. I know deep inside, you see what you are doing is wrong and you see that there is a better way. I know that some part of you still loves God. I know you still miss your innocence. I hope your day of freedom comes soon. I will be standing by your side to walk with you through the pain because you will be on your way to a better life. I won’t stop caring. I love you.

“A summer’s drive away from dying
A broken heart, nothing to lose
I know it hurts so bad just trying
To please the ones you hate to love

And I wrote this note about someone I used to know
So I remember how life can be so short
When you’re left alone to wonder how it is
Someone opens and shuts the door

I know you’re cold
Come home
Its a shame how short we all have come

You set your mind on cruise control
Knuckles grip the wheel in fear to let it go
Love is empty, love is cruel
Love it blindly breaks the rules
How could you have been a fool? 
Its something all of us go through
You choke back tears and swallow lies
But those wiper blades won’t fix your eyes
Count on having clouded vision for at least a little while

I know you’re cold
Come home
Its a shame how short we all have come
I know you’re cold
Come home
Please don’t face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone

We won’t forget the past
We won’t forget the past
And I know you’re cold

Save all the answers and I will let you go
I won’t look back, I won’t look back
Save all the answers and I will let you go
I will let you go
And I will let you go
Save all the answers and I will let you go
I won’t look back, I won’t look back
Save all the answers and I will let you go
I will let you go
And I will let you go

Come home
Please don’t face the headlights of the oncoming cars alone
And I will let you go”

Theres Still Strength Left In Us Yet

Eleven months ago, my favorite band released a new album called Memento Mori. The album as a whole is my favorite set of songs released by any band, inspiring me and challenging me in so many ways. One song in particular really just hit home for me, though. The song is called Arise. It begins as a seemingly dark song, with lyrics like "there's snow on your face and your razor blade;" however, the song as a whole is a hopeful and inspiring one.

We live in a world full of sad stories and pain. There are people dying because they don't have access to clean water or food. There are young girls being sold into sex slavery. There are tsunamis and earthquakes destroying already depraved parts of the world. There are people committing suicide rather than realizing that they are important and loved. All of these problems are solvable. Sure, we can't prevent earthquakes or tsunamis, but we can provide relief to those suffering as a result. We can help provide food and water to those who need it. We can end sex slavery. We can love those who need it.

"We'll cry tonight and in the morning we are new. Stand in the sun. We'll dry your eyes."
All too often, we are hardened to the sufferings in this world because we see it too often. We see so many homeless people that we are numbed to their plight. We hear so many statistics about worldwide poverty that we forget the people. We hear so many jokes about 'emo' people that we forget there are people actually suffering from depression. We need to stop and realize that there are injustices in the world. We need to feel pain for these people. We need to cry. We need to be angry. But we can't stop there. We can't just cry. We need to dry those tears, move past our anger and act.

"Hold on to the world we all remember fighting for. There's still strength left in us yet. Hold on to the world we all remember dying for. There's still hope left in it yet."
Most of us have, at some point, fought for this world. Whether it was something small like talking to somebody who was lonely or something huge like going on a missions trip, we all have invested ourselves into this world. We all have fought for it in some way. Sometimes that fight seems like to much, like we'll never make a difference. Sometimes it seems like we don't have any strength left to give and like what we're doing isn't making a difference because the world is so broken. But there is hope.

"So sleep tonight, we'll sleep dreamlessly this time. When we awake, we'll know that everythings alright."
We all need rest. We all need rejuvenation. The world wears on us just as it wears on those we are trying to help. We need Jesus. We need love ourselves. We need to reflect on the progress we've made so that we aren't bogged down by the trials we face. We need community to encourage us, to remind us we're not alone. Sometimes, we just need a break. We need to step away from life for a day and just enjoy quiet. When we get these things, we are reminded that everythings okay. We are reminded that what we are doing is worth it.

"Arise and be all that you dreamed."
This song lyric was the most personal to me. This was the most general and the most specific. It was the most convicting and inspiring. It was the one that moved me the most. It caused me to really look at myself. What do I want for my life? What moves me? What do I want to accomplish? What are the things I hope of doing? What are the things I only dream of doing? What are the things God has for me? How can I do those things?

I ended up adopting this phrase for myself as a sort of personal mantra. I have begun to plan things, things that other people probably think are crazy. But I am beginning not to care. God has planted these dreams into me for a reason. He has plans for me--and plans for you--that are greater than we could possibly imagine. He may only give us a small picture of His plan, but we must rise up and embrace it wholeheartedly. We will never know what things He plans to accomplish through us.

Arise and be all that you dreamed. Fight for love. Live to die. Come alive.

The Joy of Music

Music and I have a long history. My mom is a music lover like myself, so I've grown up listening to it. I remember as a little girl listening to my mom's favorite band, Venice. The volume was loud and I had certain songs of theirs that were my favorites. I also grew up listening to Amy Grant. Christmastime at my parent's bakery was one of my favorites because we pulled out the Amy Grant Christmas albums. I loved singing along to Rockin Around the Christmas Tree while dancing around an imaginary Christmas tree.

My first concert was at the age of six. Back then, in 1997, you went to a Ticketmaster to buy concert tickets rather than ordering them online. My mom happened upon a Ticketmaster and saw that tickets to an Amy Grant concert in Seattle on Easter were just a few minutes away from going on sale. She decided on a whim to buy tickets for the family and somehow ended up with front row tickets. We went down to the Paramount Theater that Easter and my parents brought a cheesecake from the bakery with them. My sister and I gave the cheesecake to the security guard during intermission. When Amy came back out, she was going through some stuff that people had given her. I vividly remember her opening up the box, looking at the sticker and saying, "Ooo, Jim and Kerry's Cheesecake!" Of course, we have no idea if she actually ate it, but it was so cool for me to see this famous musician holding my parent's cheesecake.

As I got a little older, I began to listen to a lot of pop music like Britney Spears and Backstreet Boys. NSync was my favorite 'band' for a couple of years. However, when they released their album Celebrity, I remember listening to the lyrics and not liking the band much anymore. Even at the age of 10, I realized that the lyrics weren't appropriate. I soon discovered a Christian pop 'band' called Jump5. They soon became my favorite band. In fifth grade, all of my classmates were still listening to NSync. I remember walking around with Jump5's Spinning Around stuck in my head and I was sad that my classmates couldn't enjoy their music like I did.

Later in fifth grade, I started listening to the A/C group Point of Grace. They soon became another favorite of mine. In sixth grade, my sister won a CD by a band called Sanctus Real. She never opened it. I got a compilation CD somewhere that had a song by Sanctus on it and loved it. Then I realized that my sister had their CD. They quickly overtook both Jump5 and Point of Grace as my very favorite band. I lurked on their message boards for a long time before gaining the courage to ask my parents if I could join the boards. They let me join, and my musical love quickly grew. I made lots of friends on those boards, some of which I am still in touch with, as well as discovered a lot of new bands. I also learned how to listen to clips of songs on Amazon to decide if I wanted a CD.

One day when I was 12, I was watching an old Mary Kate and Ashley show (I think So Little Time) and they had a couple of songs on the show that I really liked. At the end of the show, I discovered that the band was called Superchick. They also became a favorite band of mine. My sister got me their first CD, Karaoke Superstars, as part of my 13th birthday present. I still love listening to that album. Later that summer, I went to Creationfest for the first time. I had already discovered a lot of new music and was excited about all the bands that would be there. The two I was most excited for, however, were Sanctus Real and Superchick. I went to each of their concerts and even got to meet both of the bands. As a 13 year old recent music addict, that was a huge deal.

Eight and ninth grade were a couple of tough years for me. I was in a depression and didn't really have a lot of friends. The one thing I did have, though, was music. I remember listening to some songs over and over again because they made me feel like I wasn't alone. The summer before ninth grade changed music for me forever. My sister won a compilation CD at our new youth group and gave it to me. I listened to each track carefully and in the end only liked one song on it. The song was by a new band called Flyleaf. It was a bit of a different sound for me, but I loved it. I looked them up online and watched their music video. I found out that they had an album coming out later that year. I got that album for Christmas from my sister and listened to it far too many times to count. I still listen to that album on a regular basis.

Over the years, I had discovered a lot of new bands; I developed a sort of personal relationship with each band and each song. I went to Creation every summer and got to see my favorite bands again as well as discover new ones. Soon, I had a vast library of music and a long list of favorite bands, though Sanctus Real was always at the top. I became a concert addict. In ninth grade, my mom took me to see Switchfoot at a bar in Seattle. That was the coolest thing for me. I had just recently seen them play the main stage at Creation; when I saw the size of the stage they would be playing on that night, I was shocked. I couldn't believe how close I would be to the band! My mom and I waited after the show and got to meet Jon Foreman. My mom and I were both so impressed with how personable and thankful he was.

The summer before tenth grade also changed music for me with the discovery of the band Paramore. I found out that their drummer, Zac, was only about a year older than me and that just blew my mind. I couldn't believe that this semi-successful band had a member that was so close to my age! They became another one of my favorite bands. Hayley's voice combined with the song lyrics just hit me somewhere inside. I could relate to all of their songs and just felt comfort in their music.

That same summer, I found out about an organization called To Write Love On Her Arms. They were actually how I found out about Paramore. They have a story that was written as the basis of the existence of their organization. One of the quotes really stood out to me and four years later is still one of my favorite quotes: "Stories wait for endings, but songs are brave things bold enough to sing when all they know is darkness." That quote meant so much to me because of how big of a role music played in my life. There were times when I was just in a bad place and music was the one thing that could comfort me. In a lot of ways, I think music is responsible for me continuing to have a relationship with God. Without it, there were a lot of times I probably would have just given up on Him.

I believe it was in tenth grade when I finally decided that Flyleaf could be considered my favorite band. More than any other band, their music and lyrics spoke to those dark areas of my life and gave me hope. Their music is considered dark by a lot of people, but it is still filled with hope. Never does the band leave you feeling depressed. Their music helped me to deal with a lot of stuff. I finally got to see them live for the first time in eleventh grade. Lacey Sturm, their lead vocalist, was and is one of my biggest role models. I got to meet her after that show and was just so inspired by her.

I also in the last two years started listening to the band Barlowgirl. I had written them off as a crappy chick band when they started but finally decided to actually listen to their music. I was surprised with how talented of musicians they were as well as how strong, outspoken and honest their lyrics were. To me, almost every one of their songs felt like it was written just for me. The Barlow sisters also have become huge role models for me.

In the last couple of years, my musical taste has expanded a lot. I can go from listening to loud, rambunctious screamo music to singer/songwriter stuff like Noah Gundersen. I have also learned to appreciate musical skill. I can listen to a song and recognize how much talent it takes to play. I guess that comes from my mediocre knowledge of playing guitar. I have also become a major concert addict. At this point in time, I am going to at least one concert a month, if not more.

Sometimes I turn my iTunes onto shuffle and just listen. I love to see what old songs it'll play. I can listen to a song and it'll bring me back to a specific situation where that song helped me through something or perfectly expressed how I was feeling. I have songs that I have cried to. Certain songs just hit me so hard that I can't just sing along to them, I have to yell the words at the top of my lungs. There are songs that make me want to become a part of something bigger in my life, to do something to change the world. To me, music is inspiring, comforting, healing, loving and hopeful. Music is constant.

You Can't Be Too Careful

“You can’t be too careful anymore…” These lyrics open the chorus to the first track on Paramore’s latest album, released back in September. I think as of Thursday night, those words feel all to true to the lead singer of the band, Hayley Williams. A topless picture was uploaded to Hayley’s twitter account that evening. I was thankfully not online when the post was made, otherwise I would have unknowingly opened it. The post was deleted pretty quick, but not quick enough for nobody to see it. Hayley posted on twitter saying that her account had gotten hacked, but there is some speculation as to whether or not that’s the case. Regardless, it is pretty disappointing that the picture existed in the first place.

Lets rewind about four years here. It was the summer before my sophomore year of high school, the summer I discovered the band Paramore. Within days of hearing their music, they were on my list of favorite bands. And as Hayley was only a couple of years older than me, I came to really respect her a lot. She seemed to be a pretty standup girl who kept out of trouble and just loved being in a band. I thought she was a really great role model. At the time, I would never have speculated that anything like this would have happened with her.

Over the last couple of years, Paramore has exploded. Their sophomore album Riot! was a hit among the Warped Tour/MTV crowd. Add to that two songs on the Twilight soundtrack and you have yourself a Grammy nominated band of young adults. A lot has changed with Hayley. She somewhat sarcastically addressed this on the band’s latest album, brand new eyes, in the song Playing God. “I can’t make my own decisions/or make any with precision/well, maybe you should tie me up/so I don’t go where you don’t want me/you say that I’ve been changing/that I’m not just simply aging….” Prior to Thursday evening, I might be more inclined to agree that she is simply growing up; however, I cannot imagine myself thinking four years ago that this kind of thing could happen with Hayley. Honestly, though, as time has passed, I am not too surprised at all. She really has changed, and not in a good way if you ask me.

I know this probably sounds a little harsh, and I would like to clarify…I don’t think Hayley is a bad person at all. She is just as bad as I am bad and you are bad. We all make mistakes. This is just hitting me pretty hard because of how much I looked up to her, especially in high school. I know that a lot of people are saying that we shouldn’t give her any extra grief over this simply because she is a celebrity. I understand that she didn’t do anything worse than if somebody at my local high school were to text inappropriate pictures or something. The problem, though, is that Hayley is in a huge position of recognition and authority. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of girls like me who look up to Hayley a lot. This just shows those girls that although its bad to have those types of photos out in public, its not really bad to take them in the first place. I know that to be 100% untrue. Proverbs 11:22 says, “As a ring of gold in a swine’s snout, so is a beautiful woman who lacks discretion.” Hayley obviously lacked discretion in the fact that this picture existed in the first place. She is 21 years old and unmarried. Sure she has a boyfriend, but I personally believe, and I think you’ll agree, that naked pictures are not to be shared with a boyfriend under any circumstances. Its just unacceptable.

My heart in this post is not to pass judgment upon Hayley but rather to think things out for myself about the situation. The biggest reminder in this situation for me personally is that humans aren’t perfect. We all make mistakes whether we are in the spotlight or an average girl. Hayley may have made a mistake, but that doesn’t mean she is any less deserving of our love because God certainly doesn’t love her any less. I hope and pray that this would serve as a wakeup call for her.

Dreams

Welcome to my new blog! I guess this is going to be a place for me to be more detailed and at times more serious than websites like facebook and twitter. I have a lot of plans and dreams and this will be my place to document my journey towards reaching them as well as updating people on my life.

The title of this blog--Arise and Be--comes from a song by my favorite band, Flyleaf. The song is called Arise and its about overcoming the obstacles in your life and realizing the calling that you have on your life. The song ends with the band repeating over and over the words, "Arise and be all that you dreamed." When I first heard this song, it really hit me and in a way inspired me.

The biggest dream on my list right now is moving to Nashville. I actually have plans to move there around June of 2012. Whenever I tell people about this plan, the first question they ask is if I've ever been to Nashville. The answer is no! They then ask why I would want to move there. Honestly, up until about 7 months ago, I would have been content living in Northwest Washington for the rest of my life. The big city had no draw to me whatsoever. But then I started for some reason hearing a lot about Nashville and it just clicked. Nashville is known for being a big city for country music, but it is also the 'headquarters' for Christian music. They have some great music venues like Rocketown and they have a great community of musicians. If you know me, you know how huge of a role music plays in my life. Nashville just seems like the city for me. I feel like God has some big plans for me there and I can't wait to find out what they are!

Another dream on my list is to become the merchandise salesgirl for a touring band. That dream, I believe, is a bit interrelated with Nashville. I don't know if it is even a dream I can reach, but if it is, Nashville is the place to make it happen!

In the fall of this year, I will (officially) begin fulfilling an 11 year dream of mine--to become a dental assistant. Actually, I technically wanted to be a dental hygienist, but I did some research and changed my mind. I'm enrolled at Bellingham Technical College and am on the wait list to start the program in September. I will graduate in June of 2011.

This summer, I am travelling to Europe with my parents to see my sister fulfill a dream of hers--graduating from her dream university with a degree in broadcast journalism. I am so proud of Jen! I am also ecstatic to get to explore England and France for three weeks.

As for right now, I am living a fairly quiet life. I work full time for a dentist as a schedule coordinator. I go to a lot of concerts in Seattle and sometimes even down in Vancouver, Washington. I hang out with my friends. I go to church. I try to work out. That ones a toughie. ha I also play guitar and bass a lot. I'm not really that good (in my opinion) but I have a lot of fun doing it.

So thats a little intro to my life currently and to what this blog will be about.

Until next time!